I published this tongue-in-cheek recipe on Imgur about a year or so ago. It was, in part, the inspiration for this website so I thought it was only fitting I post it here for your amusement. I’ve edited it slightly from my original. Please take the mock-outrage as intended. My sympathy goes out to all the Lars’ out there trying to make a living.
Proper Indian Tea.
Not like that stuff you get on all those hipster articles (what even is that and why are you putting in golden syrup and fake sweeteners? Do you think my great great grandma had golden syrup in the village in the 1800? Sure you say it tastes better than actual indian tea – you in your stretchy gold spandex as you come out of a hot goat yoga lesson, led by a man named Lars who ‘found’ himself and his ‘Namaste Chakra tea’ on his gap year to the mountains – but in reality he was just high most of the time and when he wasn’t he was on the loo with chronic, and surprisingly violent, diarrhoea.)
Wet Ingredients:
- 1 part water to 2 parts milk
Don’t even come to this with semi-skimmed. Full-fat or better yet, gold top. ‘Skimmed’ I hear whispered? Get out.
Dry Ingredients:
- Black tea – 1 tea bag for every 2 people or loose tea equivalent
- Cloves – 1 per 1-2 people. Add an extra one to the pot if you’re feeling spicy
- Green cardamom – 1 per person
- Black cardamom – get you with your varieties of cardamom! 1 or 2 seeds if you have it
- Star anise – break off one leg, 2 legs when you get to 5 people. Optional but seriously, what else are you going to do with that year old jar?
- Cinnamon stick – break off a 2 inch strip for no matter how many people, unless it’s more than 6. Smell it and realise the cinnamon stick is all dried up and lacking any flavour. Stick it in the pot anyway because it might help. Get the cinnamon powder out.
- Cinnamon powder – eh, like, a small 1/4 tsp for 2-3 people. You’re Indian now, quantities don’t really exist.
- Ginger powder – more than the cinnamon powder but not crazy. A bigger 1/4 tsp. But not 1/3 tsp, that’s too much. You don’t want to choke on ginger. That’s too spicy.
- Fennel seeds – a good pinch. It’s sweet and good for digestion.
- Ajwain seeds (bishops weed/lovage) – bitter. A tiny sprinkle.
Method:
1. Get a milk pan that’s large enough to hold how much tea you want.
Make sure it has a handle and spout unless you want boiling tea all over the counter, 1st degree burns, and your mum giving you a slap for wasting all that tea.
2. Put cold tap water in the pan and set on the heat. Add all the spices and wait for them to get to know each other. Simmer for a couple of minutes. The water should have changed colour and you should smell the spices.
3. Add the tea bags/equivalent loose tea and then quickly add your milk.
4. Let the tea simmer for 5 mins. And when I say ‘simmer’ I mean you’re half afraid that if you take your eye off it, it’ll come up and overflow. You should be in a state of constant low level panic. Like Christmas.
5. Strain into mugs (or heat proof glasses if, like me, all your mugs are in the dishwasher. Burning your hand on glass is more authentic anyway), taking the teabag out first because you quickly realise that causes major strainer blockage.
6. Sweeten with sugar to taste. Get that golden syrup away from here. Enjoy with smugness.
Tip: I recently became intolerant to cow’s milk. To my deep sadness. The best milk alternative I’ve found is Oatly’s ‘barista’ oat milk. It’s not quite the same as cow’s milk, but it’s satisfyingly creamy and makes a different, but equally fantastic, cup of chai.
Steaming Chai 